I have been diagnosed with binge eating disorder twice. First from my family doctor. Then from an eating disorders clinic that does not treat binge eating disorder.
I cannot accelerate my healing by bingeing on food.
In fact, all eating disorders are a slow suicide. I can die from the cycle of restricting and bingeing: Heart disease; type 2 diabetes; organ shut down and failure.
An eating disorder is way of coping with trauma. High sensitivity also makes me prone to an eating disorder. I learned about the gift of high sensitivity after reading The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, PhD. Dr. Aron is the pioneer researcher of high sensitivity.
Yesterday, my mom kept yelling at my dad all morning over a parking spot. I barely ate all day: Two buns of bread; two donuts; and two bananas. By bedtime, I had so much gas in my stomach and I was constipated.
When I do not eat, my kidneys shut down — They stop working. There is bloating and other digestive issues. I was meant to eat so my kidneys can do their job of digesting my food.
I am still vegan but binge on junk food — Salt and sugar. I love eating chips and salsa and Nerds candies from the corner store. I also LOVE German Moritz chocolate from Dollarama. I used to spend $5 – $20 a week on binges at the dollar store as a depressed and manic student at university.
I could not concentrate on my course work with my depression and the constant yelling in my home. When I would tell my mom I was depressed, she would yell at me and I could not study and eat.
More than ten years later, I can finally read a book cover to cover. I read aloud which makes my concentration stick. Reading aloud also helps with my acting. As a teenager, a talent agency suggested reading aloud my books. The catch is to eat before reading.
My return to a naturopath can help me eat a proper vegan diet. Getting by on two vegan meals a day is not enough. I need a vegan lunch plus snacks. A naturopath is considered a leading authority on nutrition. It was my former naturopath who got me started on living a vegan lifestyle.
My mom has agreed to go with me to see the naturopath. My anxiety prevents me from leaving the house alone.
An eating disorder will not heal over night. It takes time; patience; and a true desire to eat how my body wants me to eat. My body does not want me to restrict then binge. I make my body sick.
I need to be willing to look at my issues and come up with better ways to overcome them.
Killing myself with disordered eating is killing myself.
I am worthy of healthy eating.
By Jennifer Ann de la Torre